Honestly, I didn’t much feel like posting. Redundancy sort of does that to you.
As in, completely kills your motivation, does an absolute number on your mental health, leaving you stressed and worried about money, where life is going, what you will do next, sort of does that to you.
And of course, Sonay’s pregnancy, and now the birth of our son, who I am happy to report, is happy, healthy, and the light of our little world.
My former employer made me redundant while Sonay was pregnant. I know employers make business decisions, and I’m not suggesting they had any legal responsibility to our family beyond the employment process itself. But personally, the timing was incredibly painful and it had a real impact on us as a family.
I’m limited in what I can say about the details, but that experience has stayed with me.
For anyone who doesn’t know, RSD, or rejection sensitive dysphoria, is that delightful ADHD thing where rejection, criticism, or even the hint that you’re not wanted can hit like a freight train. Redundancy was always going to be hard, but for me it also pressed right on that nerve. I realised how much of my self-worth and identity I had quietly tied up in that job, which feels a bit silly to admit, but there you go. Losing it didn’t just feel like losing a payslip. It felt like being told I wasn’t needed, and my brain did what my brain does best: turned that into a full internal tribunal on whether I had any value at all. Not very helpful. Very human though.
I remember on the day in April last year when they told me they were making my role redundant, I ended up rage-building a berry cage. For the uninformed, it’s a construction meant to keep the birds off your soft fruits.
But, in that time since then, I’ve finished my degree (yay!), and been around France and Italy on the train on the trip of a lifetime (more yay!).
I’ve been doing lots of work in my allotment. It still looks like an absolute tip, but it’s my tip, and it’s looking less tip-like by the week, so I’m going in the right direction. Although I will always maintain a burning hatred for bindweed, slugs, and anything else that eats my lettuces. Nicer problems to have, I suppose.
Sylvie remains Sylvie. Furry, very cute, sometimes a lot to deal with when she gets ill. And brilliant for getting you out of the house, even if you don’t want to, because honestly, who wants to clear up that mess?
Sonay and I have been focusing on the business. And the website. It’s had a little bit of an update. The design looks a little better, a little sharper, more focused. A bit like I am, now.
I guess the point I am trying to make, is this. Sorry it’s been a while. Also, focus on the stuff that makes you happy. I thought I was happy where I was. I now know I wasn’t. I was an horrific ball of stress. Sometimes, I still am, but I do feel like there’s a weight been taken away. Long and the short of it, hello again. I’ll try and be better at the posting.