I’m pro-vaccines and had all the ones offered to me in pregnancy so it was a no brainer that I would get my little one booked in for his.
But as the day drew closer, the anxiety ramped up, especially about how he was going to cry when he had his vaccinations and I would feel like the worst mum in the world for allowing someone to inflict pain on him.
I also started to worry about him having a fever, and as it’s winter what should I dress him in at night? He’s been having 3 layers each night but would that be too much if he has a temperature? Would I need to stay up with him in case his temperature goes up? Can I use the Calpol I’ve bought for him because it says don’t use under 2 months but he’s not quite 2 months old yet?
I feel emotions and empathy strongly (quite common amongst neurodivergent people) coupled with the fact my anxiety levels are higher than neurotypical people, and I had a perfect cocktail of overwhelming anxiety and emotions in the lead up to the appointment.
I’m now sat on the sofa with him in my arms sleeping after having his vaccinations. He did scream and I almost burst into tears myself, especially as he’d been smiling just a few minutes before. Fortunately, he didn’t cry for long but I was still sad for sometime after.
The nurse had told us when to give little one his doses of Calpol and I made a mental note to set up alarms so I didn’t forget. Except by the time I got home and gave him his Calpol, I forgot. Fortunately, my husband reminded me. It’s not surprising, my memory has been shocking since I got pregnant and post partum hormones have kept that going.
ADHD challenges are very much impacted by hormones. Pre-pregnancy, there would be that week or two in the month where my executive functioning was rubbish. I had serious brain fog, was tired all the time, found it difficult to focus and get tasks started. Pregnancy ramped that up significantly. That brain fog? 100 times worse. Exhaustion like I’d never experienced before. Focusing was a nightmare and I would miss things even if I read it over several times. Now I find myself forgetting words – earlier, I called the window cleaner ‘wiper person’ as I couldn’t remember the name!
Anyway, back to the Calpol (I get distracted a lot more these days as well and forget what I was doing). Giving the first dose wasn’t too bad although he spit some of it out. The second dose was hell though, he screamed and spat half of it out then was crying after. Fortunately, the paracetamol had the desired effect and he was able to settle into sleep quite quickly.
I’m still anxious about tonight but having seen how well he’s reacted to the vaccine so far (apart from a couple of screams), I feel a bit better.
Parenthood is full of moments where you must do something for your baby that they will not understand. Moments where you question yourself, worry, and feel the weight of responsibility intensely.
Today was one of those days.
Like with so much of parenting, things aren’t just black and white. You can accept that something is necessary whilst also finding it incredibly difficult.