I was watching something on TV the other day and it brought me right back to how scared I was of miscarriage, especially in those early weeks.
One moment that really sticks with me happened when we were in Venice.
We’d planned this trip of a lifetime the year before, to celebrate our 10th anniversary. We took the train through Paris and Northern Italy, and it felt really special. What I didn’t realise at the time was quite how terrifying Venetian seagulls are. Spoiler: very.
I had actually been to Venice before, but I was about three, so I had no memory of the seagulls or their reputation.
We were walking through St Mark’s Square and I was starving. We’d struggled to find somewhere quick to eat between sightseeing, and hunger is a big trigger for me. If I don’t eat when I’m hungry, I can go into meltdown. Stressful situations can do the same.
So there I was, finally eating a panini while walking across the square, when I started noticing more and more seagulls around us. I didn’t think much of it. I assumed they’d be like pigeons. I even said, “I’m from London, I’m not scared.”
That confidence did not last long.
Out of nowhere, a seagull swooped in and snatched my panini straight out of my hand. All that was left was a scratch mark.
I was instantly hungry, shocked, and overwhelmed. I went straight into a meltdown. To make it worse, I thought someone nearby was laughing at me. It turns out that’s just the sound Venetian seagulls make. It genuinely sounds like an evil laugh from an old comedy show. Not helpful in that moment.
Then I started getting a tummy ache.
Normally, I would have put that down to anxiety or the aftermath of a meltdown. But this time was different. I was 14 weeks pregnant.
Suddenly, my mind went straight to miscarriage. I was convinced something had gone wrong. Even worse, I felt this overwhelming guilt that my meltdown, something I don’t have control over, had somehow caused it.
Thankfully, Italians are incredible, especially when it comes to family. When we went into the Doge’s Palace and explained what had happened, the staff were amazing. It felt like everyone came to help. They got me water, a fan, a place to sit in a closed-off area, and called a first aider. They were so kind and calm, and they helped me settle.
They did suggest going to A&E, but once I’d calmed down, I felt okay and decided to monitor things instead.
Thankfully, everything was fine.
But that anxiety stayed with me. Especially in those early stages of pregnancy, when you don’t have many appointments, you’re not really showing yet, and you can’t feel the baby moving. There’s very little reassurance. And when your brain is wired like mine, it can spiral so quickly.
Next time, I’ll share the story of when I thought I was going into labour… and it turned out to be trapped wind.
PS. Sorry it’s been a bit quiet. Having a newborn without much of a village, with family living far away, makes it hard to find time to write. But I’m hoping to be back more regularly now.