As someone who was only diagnosed with autism and ADHD in her 30s, I’ve always masked my need for support but never realised it. Until I burned out.
Even since I’ve been diagnosed, I have done the same because it’s so ingrained. When you’ve spent around 30 years pretending that you’re coping, how can you suddenly say you’re not?
Motherhood changes all of that.
I started to notice this pattern of how I don’t ask for help or don’t know how to ask for help, then I hit crisis point, I ask for help and when that help doesn’t come, I crash and burn.
Just before I became a mum this happened in work. I was pregnant and desparate for support. I asked for it. On a number of occasions. It was ignored. I burned out. To this day, I’m convinced this caused my late stage hypertension. Maybe it did. Maybe it didn’t.
After that experience, I knew I needed to do everything to protect my and my son’s health. But somehow that switched in my brain to just looking after my son, even if I couldn’t cope anymore. Again I called out for help. When it was ignored, I said ok I’ll just carry on as I always have.
The thing is I can’t look after my son well if I’m burned out. In the past, I’ve left jobs that have not adequately supported me or led me to burn out. That was not an option here. I needed to access help if I was to be the mum I want to be.
At the same time, there is no scheduled break from being a parent. I can’t look forward to annual leave in the same way I would with the work place. Even when I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, touched out or desperately need some space, my son still needs feeding, changing, entertaining, comforting and, quite often, attaching himself to me in some way.
And I still catch myself doing the same thing.
James will ask if I’m okay and I’ll say yes. Someone offers help and my immediate instinct is to say we’re fine. I’ll think that other mums manage, James is tired too, I don’t want to be difficult or I should be able to cope with this.
Then suddenly I’m completely overwhelmed and wondering how I got there.
I’m starting to realise that one of the biggest things I need to learn as an AuDHD mum is to recognise what I need before I hit breaking point.
In coaching, I refer to this as non-negotiables. What are my non-negotiables? How do I build in time for me that doesn’t depend on me getting everything finished first. Those are my showers in the morning and evening. I need one either side of the day to wash away the stresses of the last shift and set me up for the next. I listen to a podcast during that time to really help relax me.
The other non-negotiable is bring back some form of morning and evening routine. I won’t have the routines I had before my son was born. In the morning that included qigong then reading and journalling with breakfast. In the evening, another qigong routine and journalling. Now, I do qigong whilst my son watches me from his cot (or screams along), I have a mindful family breakfast enjoying watching what my son does or doesn’t eat then watch a bit of the news before heading for my morning shower. In the evenings, once I have got my son off to sleep, I’ll journal and read a bit of my book.
I have also started to add a morning and evening brain dump as a way of getting all the thoughts out of my head before I do any relaxation.
Those things help me support myself. But they don’t solve the harder question: what happens when I genuinely need help from somebody else?
That’s the bit I’m still practising.
It means asking for professional support when I need it rather than waiting until things are unbearable. It means calling my parents and actually saying I need emotional support rather than having a normal chat and pretending everything is fine. And importantly, it means being honest with James about how I’m feeling and what I need.
That last one is particularly difficult for me. I want everyone around me to be happy, and focusing on what I need can still feel selfish.
But I’m slowly having to unlearn that.
Mums need support too. Looking after myself isn’t something I get to do once everybody else’s needs have been met. It is part of looking after my family.
I’ve spent most of my life learning how to make my support needs invisible.
Now I’m learning how to notice them, say them out loud and ask for help before I reach crisis point.
And I’m definitely still practising.