From a very obvious point of view, it’s International Men’s Day the other 364 days of the year, so the saying goes. So, why would men need their own special day?
Simply put, because men tend to suck very badly at mental health. Like, souped-Dyson sucks. We often prefer to suffer in silence, preferring not to be a burden to others, or just wanting to man up and carry on, and stay strong and silent. AuDHDers can also suffer from alexithymia, which is trouble identifying and expressing emotions even worse.
Globally, men are approximately twice as likely to die by suicide as women. In Western countries, this disparity is even more pronounced, with men’s suicide rates being three to four times higher than those of women. In the UK, 74.1% of suicides were among men, and it remains the leading cause of death for men under the age of 50 in the UK.
A lot of this is rooted in toxic masculinity, the idea of the male ideal being someone who suppresses emotions, that asking for help is a sign of weakness, and that crying is for timid little girls. That pressure to mask and be something you’re not can lead to social isolation, or other unhealthy ways of coping like drinking your feelings or substance abuse, due to the fear of judgement or ridicule.
Considering the trend for neurodivergent males to be socially isolated as well, this makes the problem even worse. All of this put together just makes the mental health struggles even worse. From the AuDHD point of view, this masking can lead to burnout, which from personal experience, albeit with different causes, is not fun at all.
Then of course, we have RSD to throw into the mix. Toxic masculinity intensifies the challenges of RSD with the expectation to “man up” and never show vulnerability. It doesn’t leave any room for the big feelings that are part and parcel of having RSD. When we see ourselves falling short of this, it spirals, we end up suffering in silence anyways.
This means it’s all the more important to break the cycle of toxic masculinity. We need to normalise conversations about male mental health to encourage men to feel like we can express ourselves. We need to look at redefining strength to show that it’s OK to cry when you’re sad or happy and that it’s OK to practice self-care. Normalise taking a bubble bath with a glass of wine if that’s what you like. I used to be quite fond of it myself. That leads me to say that we need to challenge gender norms as well, like with the bubble bath. It goes without saying that we should reject toxic influencers like Andrew Tate and define a new way of being a man that is simply being kind to yourself and those around you.
Speaking as an AuDHD man, I already reject the norms of toxic masculinity. Apparently, this is quite a rare thing among men, which leaves me feeling quite sad, if I’m honest. So that’s why International Men’s Day is important. Not for silly jokes, but for actually taking the opportunity to actually redefine what it means to be a man, doing man things, as my Granddad used to say. That means not defining strength in terms of the size of the muscles or the size of your mental burdens you don’t talk about. It means feeling safe to actually express your feelings, asking for help when you need it, and supporting those around you. That’s being a real man, not the crap the toxic idiots like Andrew Tate spout.