I watched a reel a few weeks back of Jamie Laing and Sophie Habboo talking about how much Sophie loves this stage with their baby, who is a similar age to mine.
And immediately I compared myself.
Of course I did.
She looks amazing. I feel frumpy.
Their baby sleeps through the night. Mine refuses his cot, co-sleeps with me and wakes multiple times every night.
I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed quite a lot. Some days I feel like I’m just getting through the day.
And yes, Jamie and Sophie are considerably more privileged than we are. They have money, flexibility and access to far more help.
I know that.
But my brain doesn’t necessarily do that calculation when I’m scrolling.
It just goes: Her baby is the same age as mine. Why does she look like that and I feel like this?
I think being AuDHD adds another layer to comparison.
I’ve spent most of my life looking at other people who seem to cope more easily and wondering why I can’t just do what they do.Why can they keep on top of everything? Why aren’t they overwhelmed by the things that overwhelm me? Why does life seem to take so much more effort for me?
Motherhood has given my brain an entirely new set of things to compare.
Sleep. Feeding. Weaning. Milestones. Your body. Your house. How often you go out. Whether your baby sleeps independently. Whether you’ve “got your evenings back”.
It’s basically an endless supply of evidence for an ADHD brain looking for reasons you’re somehow doing it wrong.
The ridiculous thing is that I love this age.
My son is hilarious. His personality is coming out more every day. He’s curious, affectionate and increasingly determined to get into absolutely everything.
I adore being his mum.
But I can adore him and still be exhausted.
I can love this stage and still desperately wish he would sleep in his cot. I can enjoy our contact naps and still sometimes want my body back. I can be incredibly grateful for my life and also admit that I find parts of it really hard.
Those things aren’t contradictory.
And perhaps that’s what comparison removes.
Context.
I’m comparing a few minutes of somebody else’s life with the entirety of mine.
Different baby. Different support. Different finances. Different nervous system. Different circumstances.
Her motherhood isn’t evidence that I’m doing mine wrong. My AuDHD brain may need reminding of that occasionally. Possibly every time I open Facebook.